Crystal

Glossier Makeup Review: The Long and Short of It

Listen, we’re all just trying to find ways to cope these days and my way of coping is giving in to targeted Instagram ads.

And no one has targeted me harder than Glossier. 

I swear: I saw their ads on the side of a Brooklyn building once two years ago and since then, they’ve been after me. I’ll admit, I’ve been tempted a time or two because I do love a good minimalist brand. However, I’ve always successfully resisted purchasing any of their products due to some mediocre reviews I’ve read in the past. 

But, Day 162 of quarantine and the repetitive existential crisis of WHY ARE WE HERE TO SUFFER finally broke me, and I ordered some Glossier to temporarily quell the anxiety. 

Over the years, as I’ve leaned into aging gracefully (read: not giving a fuck what I look like when I leave the house), I’ve phased out most makeup products except for mascara. Buuuut, my personal shopping philosophy is that I’d rather pay more for products than shipping, so after browsing around the Glossier site, I finally settled on the Lash Slick mascara, Boy Brow eyebrow pomade, and the Pro Tip liquid liner. As a bonus, I chose a sample of the Glossier You perfume.

Lash Slick Mascara 

The Short of It:

Glorified lash brush with a lil boost.

The Long of It:

Listen, I’m a clown with mascara. I love to just layer that shit on until it looks like I’ve got fake eyelashes on because I cannot figure out how to actually put fake eyelashes on.

This is not the mascara for that. If you’ve got fairly full eyelashes already and you just want a lil boost, this is the mascara for that. It lengthens and doesn’t smudge, which is nice. It’s not very buildable because…I’m not quite sure there’s formula in the bottle?? Wait, hold on.

Okay, so I swiped the wand on the back of my hand to see if there was actually formula in the mascara. And the answer is…barely. It didn’t leave any streaks on my hand but what it did do was make all the little hairs on the back of my hand black, so now I have to go deal with that. It feels like I paid $16 for a lash brush.

Anyway, I’ve read reviews about how ‘meh’ this mascara was before I bought it. But—technically—Glossier only markets it as “Lengthening” and “Smudge Resistant” and it’s—technically—both those things.

If you’re a person who likes a lot of OOMPH to their eyelashes, this isn’t the mascara for you. 

But, it could be nice either layered with another mascara, if you already have luscious lashes, or you’re just going for a natural look. 3 stars.

Also, sorry for using the phrase “luscious lashes”. What is this, Maybelline?

Boy Brow Grooming Pomade

The Short of It:

White-clear wax to hold your brows and disrupt gender binaries.

The Long of It: 

I’m not gonna lie: This ended up in my shopping cart so I could hit free shipping and I was like, “Can’t go wrong with a clear eyebrow tamer.” Also, because they called it ‘boy brow’ and I’m a sucker for corporate pseudo-disruption to gender binaries. 

I bought the ‘clear’ version because I cannot trust any makeup company EVER to deliver a true BROWN brow product. My brunettes know what I’m talking about. You spend all this money on brown brow products, do them up real nice in your bathroom lighting, get outside and OH, your “brown” is actually red-tinted. Idk, maybe it’s just my eyebrow’s shade of brown, but almost every single brown brow product has a red undertone that makes me look like a FOOL.

Aaaanyway, I bought the clear version. And to be clear—no pun intended—they call it CLEAR on the site. However, this shit is white. It goes on a little like white dandruff, but you can melt it into your brows since it’s wax.

After using it a few days, it does seem to hold my wily brow hairs in place, so 4 stars.

Pro Tip Liquid Liner

Short of It: 

As Ru Paul says, “Don’t fuck it up.”

The Long of It: 

I’m terrible at eyeliner. I freely admit that. But at least once a year, I have to buy eyeliner and try to “make it work for real this time”. It doesn’t help that I follow comedians like Meg Stalter and Cat Cohen whose hilarious Instagram videos and signature eyeliner looks brainwash me into thinking that a bold eyeliner look will make me funnier.

And so, here we are. Now, when Glossier says this eye-liner is long-lasting and buildable they mean it. 

I swatched the eyeliner first, which is just a fancy way of saying “I swiped it on the back of my hand after I tore open the package like an animal”.

The color was more of “black paint water” than “black paint”, so you will definitely need to build this up. And, to be quite honest, I’m not sure you ever really get to that “true black” point. I swiped it a few times to see how it builds and after four swipes, I called it a fucking day cause ain’t nobody got time for that.

What I will say for this eyeliner is that it is complex, honey!! When you’re putting it on your eyelids and make a mistake? There is NO erasing it with a wet Q-tip. You’ll have to scrape that mistake off your damn eyelid!

But, after you’ve managed to paint a passable line and you’re just walking around minding your business? Honey, that eyeliner will smudge all over your damn eyelids all damn day!! My eyelids hurt from scrubbing eyeliner shadows off with Q-Tips. 2 stars.

Bonus Sample: Glossier You Fragrance

The Short of It:

I can’t tell the difference between “Grandma” perfume and “Good” perfume, but I’m pretty sure I like this.

The Long of It:

This sample comes in a little magazine-style packet. (Remember when you could get perfume samples in the magazine??)

Allegedly, Glossier You adapts to everyone’s unique body chemicals or whatever. You know, science! I’ve tried these types of fragrances before and basically, it all smells the same on everyone. But white girls love to put it on all their friends and shove their wrists under each other’s noses and proclaim, “THIS IS WHAT I SMELL LIKE”.

And yes, I have been one of those white girls.

Despite being a little skeptical as to how it adapts to individuals, I’ve been in the market for a new perfume lately so I was interested in getting a big old whiff. As a perfume— regardless of its adaptability to body chemicals—I enjoyed it and found myself sniffing my wrists throughout the day. To be honest, I was by far the least disappointed with this product of the lot and kinda wishing I’d hit the free shipping mark with this instead of the other products. 

However, be warned: it is a musk. And musks are not for everyone. Musks are what people typically associate with their Grandma. For me, personally, I love Grandma perfumes!! I will 100% be that golden girl whose perfume lingers in the air long after I leave the room. 5 stars.

Glossier Review

While I was pretty lukewarm about most of the products’ performance, it’s still fun for my clown self to play around with some makeup. Their biggest selling point is their branding, which is chicly minimalist and very aesthetically pleasing.

If you’re looking for something to while away the time as our lives continue to get punted through a global pandemic and the systemic dismantling of our democracy, Glossier can provide at least a 72 hour distraction with some so-so makeup. I’m still debating about whether Glossier You is worth forking over for the full-size, but maybe I’ll save that for the next existential crisis.

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